


Criminal Procedures

by OmoYasha



Series: Omovember 2020 [12]
Category: Epithet Erased (Cartoon)
Genre: Bickering, Canon Compliant, Gen, Museum Trio (Epithet Erased), Omorashi, Urination, technically anyways
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27617836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OmoYasha/pseuds/OmoYasha
Summary: Omovember Day 18 - peeing in an inappropriate container-Sure, he’d completely trashed the place on the way through – but that’s standard evil villain behavior! Standard criminal procedures *do not* include *pissing all over the floor of the place you are robbing.*-Aka - there are a few things Giovanni needs to take care of, after their fight with Sylvie.  Molly is a good minion; Sylvie expresses Doubt(tm).
Series: Omovember 2020 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998742
Kudos: 15





	Criminal Procedures

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is a fic about pee. That is the plot, all of it. If you are not interested in a fic about pee, consider turning back now.

When the initial squabbling of their team-up negotiations settles down, the three of them walk down the hall in odd, uncomfortable silence, and Giovanni sees an opportunity. 

He waits a few seconds to make sure nobody is going to break the tension with anything important. Then, he clears his throat.

“Hey, uh… Bear Trap! You stick with magic cow kid over here and keep a lookout, alright? I need to just… I mean, I’ll be right back!”

Molly tilts her head curiously, but gives a shrug and an easygoing “Okay!”

Magic cow kid, on the other hand, does not take the instructions so easily. He stops, crossing his arms.

“Okay, first off, not a kid. And second – what could you _possibly_ need to do alone, while we are trapped in a _deserted museum_ full of enemies?”

Giovanni sputters, waving a hand. “You know! Important things! A top notch villain like myself doesn’t need some _nerd_ breathing down his neck all the time!”

Sylvie scoffs, and raises an eyebrow. “You mean ‘important things’ like your plan to _steal priceless academic artifacts?_ ”

“Duh! Of course I’m gonna – I mean, no! That’s not even the point right now, yoyo boy!”

It really, actually, isn’t. Now that their fight is over, and he’s back at full health, Giovanni genuinely isn’t thinking about crime, for once – he’s _just a bit_ preoccupied with a certain need that he’d been putting off all evening – first because it seemed rude to interrupt bonding time with his newest minion, and then because of their fight with a stupid _teenaged murder cow_. 

…Giovanni needs to pee. He needs to pee _really, really bad_ – and to be honest, the idea of hunting for a toilet is _way_ more appealing to him right now than the idea of hunting for treasure. And sure, Bear Trap still needs some supervision but… now that the doctor-kid isn’t trying to beat them up, _maybe_ it would be okay to leave? Just for a minute or two?

Sylvie isn’t buying it.

“Why on earth do you think I’m going to leave you alone when you literally _just admitted_ you’re trying to rob this place? Just because I agreed to work with you doesn’t make me _stupid_.”

“You said it, not me!” The Banzai Captain shoots finger guns at him with a snicker, then turns on his heel and starts to walk away, as quickly as he can while still keeping his legs pressed together surreptitiously. But Sylvie follows him, and – even worse – Molly follows Sylvie, looking deeply uncomfortable with the situation. Well, at least his minion is dependable, keeping an eye out for him! Only…

He grimaces. He’d really rather _not_ have _any_ eyes on him at the moment. Not when it’s taking _way_ more effort than he’d like to admit just to walk around without shoving his hands in his crotch like a little kid.

“I’ll only be gone a second, so you can stop _freaking out_ , okay? I know I’m pretty cool and all, but it takes me more than a minute to rob a museum, genius.”

The teenager glares, hand on his hip.

“Hah! Nice try. Not until you tell me what you’re up to now.”

Giovanni rolls his eyes.

“Well maaaaybe it’s none of your business, Mister I-don’t-work-with-criminals!” He says, with all the sarcasm he can muster. Which is a lot. If Giovanni had a second epithet, it would be “Whoop-ass”. But if he had a _third_ epithet, he likes to think that “sick burn” would be a possibility.

The kid just looks at him, distinctly unimpressed, and taps his foot.

“Well? Why _do_ you want to get away from us so badly? I thought we were, you know, _working together?_ ”

Giovanni almost gives a witty retort; he really wants to, given how _annoying_ this guy is, and it’s not as if he’s going to shout out the real reason to some stranger he just met. But then his body sharply reminds him that things are _a little bit urgent, here_ , and he swears he feels something leak into his boxers.

“YES, FINE, YOU WERE RIGHT - IT'S EVIL VILLAIN THINGS, JUST - STAY HERE, OK?!” He yelps, voice cracking what has to be a full octave above its usual pitch.

He doesn’t give them a chance to respond – he’s _out of there_ , even if he has to teleport… well, not behind them. But definitely out of sight around that corner. He doesn’t have _time_ to stand around arguing!

Somewhat frantically, he glances around the new portion of hallway to try to find a solution, grabbing himself as soon as he’s sure he’s out of sight. He has no idea where the bathrooms were in this place, but he is like, _ninety-nine_ percent sure that the answer is “not close enough”. Not only is he really desperate, and wishing he’d had a chance to go like an hour ago… he also really _doesn’t_ want to leave Bear Trap alone with the new guy for longer than he has to. It _is_ dangerous here, and she _is_ safer with him – it just wasn’t good procedure to leave a new minion by themselves with no warning, not that he really had a choice considering he was emphatically _not_ interested in bringing _any_ of his boys along on a potty break!

The new area of hallway is unfortunately devoid of any signs pointing to the men’s room, as well as anything even remotely appropriate for this kind of emergency. No trash cans. No conveniently placed vases. He whines. There has to be _something…_

His eyes land on a large, tropical looking potted plant, sitting innocuously by a bench.

Well, it’s something, anyway.

He spares a moment to consider it. He’s not really that far away from the others – can he even do this without making too much noise? He fidgets, shifting from foot to foot – not able to stand still right now even if he wanted to. After a moment, a pulse of pain from his stomach makes his decision for him.

As quickly as possible, he jams his gloves in his pocket, fumbles open his belt and fly. He aims at the pot, and _relaxes_. The stupid plant could not be worth more to him right now if it was made of solid gold; he’s had to go practically since they got here, and it’s been _years_ since he’s felt this relieved at finally getting to pee.

He sighs, and takes a few seconds to enjoy the blissful feeling of relief. Then, he takes a second look at the sight before him, and panics. The plant looks big, inviting… but it must have been watered recently. Because as the seconds tick by, the urine wicks easily into the soil… and then _seeps right back out the bottom of the pot,_ into the small, _shallow_ tray the pot rests on.

Giovanni stifles an extremely uncool shriek. There is _absolutely no way_ that is going to hold everything his bladder has to offer right now. He can’t – he has to find someplace better.

He tries to stop. He _can’t stop_.

He stares at the planter in horror, helpless to do anything as he finishes peeing; his eyes glued to the tray beneath it as the liquid rises higher and higher. He can’t help cringing when it – as if in slow motion – crests the side of the dish in tiny rivulets to make an obvious, growing puddle on the floor.

That is _disgusting_ , and now he’s feeling distinctly humiliated about the whole situation. Humiliated, and also kinda bad for whoever’s job it’s going to be to clean up the museum tomorrow. Sure, he’d completely trashed the place on the way through – but that’s standard evil villain behavior! Standard criminal procedures _do not_ include _pissing all over the floor of the place you are robbing_.

He fixes his pants, glaring at the puddle around the waterlogged plant, desperately hoping he’ll somehow magically come up with a solution so he can pretend this whole thing never happened. Ugh… there’s not even anywhere he can clean _himself_ up here. Maybe he should just leave it…?

“Giovanni – I mean, Boss? Where’d you go?”

Giovanni _squeaks_ , and whirls around at the sound of rapidly approaching footsteps. He uses the cover of his cape to quickly finish adjusting his uniform - he has never buckled his belt so quickly in his entire _life._

“I’m um! Just coming back, Bear Trap!”

Both the kids round the corner, and pause. Giovanni spares a moment to hope that his cheeks _aren’t_ as bright red as he feels like they probably are. Molly scans the hallway with her usual passive curiosity, but he can _see_ Sylvie do a double take as his eyes land on the leaky planter and its miniature lake. Giovanni freezes.

The younger teen frowns, and opens his mouth.

“Wh-“

“HI-WE-WERE-WONDERING-IF-YOU-HAVE-ANY-IDEAS!” Bear Trap blurts out with surprising gusto, cutting off whatever Sylvie had been planning to say. It’s the quickest and loudest he’s ever heard her talk.

“About where they’re keeping the necklace, I mean. The tour guide lady and her friend!”

Giovanni, having never been one to overlook an opportunity, takes the rescue for what it is, and briskly strides toward them as he pulls his gloves back on, away from the incriminating container.

“What kind of question is that, Bear Trap? Of course I have ideas!”

He keeps talking as they walk away, his usual bravado returning as the two kids follow him, and they leave the hallway – and its stupid, deceptive, houseplant – forgotten behind them. He is a Banzai Captain, after all… he has bigger things to worry about. Like rescuing the rest of his boys, and getting back at the jerky fake tour guide who beat them all up. Embarrassment, like anything else, will just have to be something for future-Giovanni to worry about. Right now, he’s got plenty of other fish to fry.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact! This fic was actually the FIRST one I finished for omovember this year; it's been patiently waiting for the correct day. I realize this is very niche content which only a few of my fellow EE fans will enjoy... nevertheless, I hope you few who do enjoy it very much!  
> I like comments and reviews. :)  
> Find me on tumblr (for headcanons and omo art as well as fics) at omoyasha.tumblr.com !


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